unfulfilled

i've got it all, but i feel so deprived
i go up, i come down & i'm emptier inside
tell me, what is this thing that i feel like i'm missing?
and why can't i let it go?
there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.
'cause the more that i'm trippin' out thinkin' that there's more to life
well there's life, i'm sure, but there's gotta be more than wanting more.

 haha, i wonder if anyone remembers this song from way back in the day!  anyway, let me preface this post with an explanation.  some say that the world is made up of two people; people who listen to the music in a song, and people who listen to the lyrics in a song.  i'm definitely one of the lyrics people.  often, i think a song will explain how i'm feeling better than words can.

so this is my current jam.  here i am, a 20-year-old living in one of the most exciting cities in the world with all of the resources and time...and i'm feeling bored and unfulfilled.  i'm sitting on my bed, playing game after game of sudoku on my phone, feeling like there has gotta be more to life than whatever the hell i'm doing right now.  but what?  i'm not sure.  it's the kinda boredom where you feel like nothing is gonna keep your attention.

when this kinda boredom sets in, i usually try to find someone who's just as bored to bug and get some company, but i'm slowly realizing that i'm only enabling my own dependency on other people that way.  if it's not a boyfriend or a boothang i'm calling to keep me occupied, it's my best friends.  the whole goal of this summer is to learn to love to be alone and love time with myself.  sounds so easy, but is so much harder than it looks.

i just feel so antsy, looking for something to do, ANYTHING to do. but i guess it's time to appreciate the quiet.

i'll end with these two quotes:

"boredom is one's inability to spend quality time with oneself." -- my friend's facebook

"boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is." -- thomas s. szasz

with love from LA, j

target will be the death of my bank account

random blog post to say:
WHY IS TARGET SO WONDERFUL/HORRIBLE at the same time?! i swear i walk in there with a mission to get one or two things and then come out blowing $50 on random things.
I HATE YOU, TARGET.  but i love you so much...sigh.

with love from LA, j

being single

s called me out, haha.  so here i am.  one of my biggest flaws: having so many ideas and so much enthusiasm for something, then failing to follow through because...it doesn't come out perfectly.  i've had so many great ideas for different blog entries but i didn't know where to begin.

so i'll start here.

being single is fun. scary. satisfying. lonely.  & NOT STRESSFUL AT ALL.  why those particular words?

for the first time in three years and a half years, i'm single.  and i stuck around for so long in my last relationship because i was SCARED of being single.  ridiculous, right?  but when you're so used to being with someone and having someone to share your life with for so long, going back to being by yourself is pretty scary.

i digress.  why is being single all of those words i described?

fun--i can do WHATever i want with WHOever i want WHENever i want WHEREver i want.  ain't nobody tyin' ME down (sup new boyz).  but it's true.  i was in a long-distance relationship for my first two years in college, and even though he and i swore that we weren't holding each other back from fun, we definitely were.  having fun at a party just isn't the same when you know you have to leave in an hour 'cause your boo is expecting you, or when you have to tear yourself away from a good game of beer pong because he/she's calling.  and shameless flirting? that sh!t don't fly when you're in a committed relationship. being in a relationship says "HEY, IGNORE ME 'CAUSE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WHICH MEANS THE POSSIBILITY OF YOU GETTIN' SOME AFTER WE CONVERSE AND YOU GET TO KNOW ME IS SLIM TO NONE."

scary--the only person i can rely on at the end of the day is me, myself & i.  yes, i know that's what life is at the end of the day, but i don't necessarily like it.  it's weird. but oddly -->

satisfying--knowing that i'm doing my own thing, and knowing that it doesn't have to please anyone but me.  the way i live isn't up for judgment from someone else.  i'm living for me.

lonely--while it's satisfying doing my own thing...i'm still gonna have bad days.  and you know that feeling that creeps up on you on days like that?  the "damn, i just need a little lovin'" or "damn, it would be really nice to cuddle (aaaand then some) with someone on the couch and watch some bad TV" feeling?  yeah.  not as easy to fulfill that kinda loneliness with a homegirl or homeboy.

not stressful--i'll leave it at this: stressin' over the possible double meanings of a guy's text > fighting @ 3 AM because he didn't pick up his phone while playing beer pong.  juuuuust sayin'.

 being single is a nice change of pace.  i think i'll enjoy it for as long as i can.

with love from LA, j

Being Real Sometimes Gets You Hated On

First of all, I am gonna post again because J never seems to even though this is her idea to have this blog. =p

I once again had a very entertaining conversation with my friend about how much looks matter and because of this conversation, she probably is really mad at me at this moment in time. Of course she says looks don't matter that much and that it is all personality at the end. This I believe is true but I believe looks matter more than people say they do. I am not just talking about in the "love of your life" but I am talking about friends too.

People do not want to be called shallow and just looking skin deep and thats why they say looks do not matter as much as they really do to them.  I am just being real. When someone asks me if looks matter I say yes.  Just to reiterate looks matter in the beginning but as time goes on they matter less and less. Personality is way more important than looks but looks DO matter.

We are all shallow. I am just saying.  We do not go up to someone we think is ugly and introduce ourselves to them because they may have a nice personality. The only time we actively go introduce ourselves to someone or keep a conversation with someone longer than necessary is if we think there is a possibility that we may have some sort of future with this person. Even if we do not say have an intimate relationship with them we become friends because we find out they are "cool" or that we bond with them in some way and can relate to them. But at some point (usually in the beginning) one person usually is thinking there is some sort of potential of there being a relationship with the other person.

There of course is an exception. Say with friends.  Sometimes you are introduced or forced to make friends with one person to get to another. Means to an end. You want their friends to like you because their friends have the power to convince the person you are attracted to to end the relationship. Also there are times when say you make friends with someone because basically you work together or go to school together and are in all the same classes and always see each other just because they are there and might as well make friends with them. (ie: J and I haha WSUP! Yes I was FORCED to make friends with you because of middle school.)

Anyways I all of a sudden got tired and dont want to write or edit this anymore so i will do it tmrw or the next time I feel like it.  I dont even know if this thing makes sense yet. Probably not. But i will finish it soon promise!

keep it real always
-S

Calling it how I see it.

Hi. I'm S. Believe it or not people actually call me that in reality. Anyways. I'm 21 and reside in the Bay Area.

Like the title says, what I blog about is how I see it. A lot of what I say is what goes through my mind while conversing with people about relationships or things I have learned from past experiences and or people I look up to and hold up with respect. You may agree or disagree so feel free to hate it or love it.

Because...

Lastly I just love this e-card so I'm sharing it with all of you.

(p.s. If you know me personally I actually send this pic when you are being a little bitch. No Joke.)

Hope you enjoy this little blog of ours!

Best Wishes,

-S

FIRST.

woo! first post!

hey blogosphere. i'm j. & this here's my first truly public foray into blogging. not just about that "oh hey, this is what i did today" kinda shit. it's about to get real. because all those other blogs you read? yeah, they're cool. they're wise. but get ready to read something real, and something you can relate to.

why? 'cause i'm your average almost-21-year-old girl, completely clueless about what i'm doing with my life in terms of...well, everything.

school? almost done and i still feel like i'm straight outta high school.

work? i'm...uhh...working on figuring that out.

love? i'm almost 21 and this...this is the first time i've ever been really truly single and independent, none of that "oh haaaay i'm single so let's mingle so i can hop onto the next one as quickly as possible" kinda shit.

welcome to my life. that's just a little about me. 'cause to be honest, i'm still figuring out who "me" is. join me, 'cause i'm sure you have no idea either.

with love from LA, j